


High

by bridgeburningbucky



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: High by 5sos, M/M, Stucky - Freeform, angsty, but hopeful, just some dudes feeling feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:34:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23696254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bridgeburningbucky/pseuds/bridgeburningbucky
Summary: Bucky thinks it’s time to face Steve and tell him they have to move on before they can be together.
Relationships: james “bucky” barnes/ steve rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	High

**Author's Note:**

> Love this song and it wasn’t until the hundredth time I heard it that I saw a connection to stucky. Of course this is my take on the meaning of the song. Enjoy some angsty bois.

He’d made sure that Steve lost the trail on him every time he got closer and closer. He’s wasn’t ready to face him, not ready to live in his world yet. Probably never will. 

He’s tired of letting himself down and it’s been days since he woke up in a different head space. One that he kept losing grasp on, would lose the traction of the what ifs that are him and Steve finally being free of all the horrible things. 

But he’s got a hold of it now.

Today he follows Steve, it isn’t hard, the man seems like he’s waiting for someone to finally take him out. Doesn’t take care of himself like he should, hasn’t moved on. 

And Bucky wants him to move on so bad. Live the life he was stolen of. But he’s so hung up on finding Bucky, of staying in the past. 

He follows Steve out of a small coffee shop and to the park where he sits at a bench to drink his coffee. It’s just a bit before noon and the park isn’t as full. 

Steve looks normal. But Bucky knows that he’s just as lost as Bucky feels. 

He approaches him, sits next to him on the bench. His cap covers his face and he keeps his gloved hands in his jacket pockets. 

Steve is startled to see him when he finally looks over, nearly crushes his drink when he realizes it’s him. 

“Hey Steve.”

Steve sets his coffee cup down and faces him, hands gripping his knees. Bucky can see he’s dying to reach out but restrains himself, his voice soft but eager, “Bucky? How…what are you doing here?” 

He doesn’t turn to look at Steve, can’t. He keeps his eyes on the lady walking her dog and the birds on the field, “I came to tell you that I’m changing.”

He expects Steve to be pushy and demand questions but instead he lets out a calm and collected, “What do you mean?” 

“It means that I’m finally feeling like a person again. It’s been months, and every day I wake up in a different head space.” 

And it’s true, he spent weeks with his back pressed to a corner of a shabby, abandoned apartment living in fear of being taken back. Be forced to do the things that he couldn’t unsee, couldn’t change. 

Steve’s still staring at him, like if he looks away Bucky will disappear. He lets out an encouraging, “That’s good Buck.” Like he’s talking to a scared child.

Bucky lets out a low, “It’s better.”

“Do you need help?”

Man, this man has not changed a bit. Good. 

He finally turns to look at Steve. His eyebrows are pulled together, the worried wrinkle between his eyes deep and the corners of his mouth turned down in a frown. 

It took him months to come up with his own memories of who Steve Rogers was and seeing him in person with a somewhat sane mind feels satisfying. No matter small and skinny, or big and strong his face never changed. 

Bucky gives him a small, sad smile, “No Steve, I don’t need your help.” And he knows that probably kills Steve. 

He sees him tense up and rub his palms on his pants, “Buck, you know you don’t have to be alone anymore.”

“I know Steve,” he says and looks away from Steve again, the lady has now stopped to play fetch with the dog. 

“Then why did you keep running away from me?”

Bucky doesn’t say anything for a moment, takes in the warm sun on his face, “Because it’s not healthy for you or me to be together.” Steve tries to interrupt him but he cuts him off, “Let me finish.”

And Steve doesn’t say anything, balls his fists up again and looks angrily at his shoes. Bucky can see that he’s absolutely jumping out his skin to argue.

He licks his lips and takes in a deep breath, “I don’t want to be near you until we’re both okay,” he sees Steve want to jump and say he _is_ okay but he gives him a look, “We weren’t handed the best cards pal. We shouldn’t be here, we should be dead, buried with our parents.”

He sees Steve flinch, “Instead you lived more time frozen than you did alive. And me…I did shitty things-“

Steve finally breaks, “At the hands of others, that wasn’t you.” 

He sends Steve a warning look and Steve shuts his mouth, “I know that. Doesn’t mean I didn’t do them. Doesn’t mean I’m not _fucked_ in the head.”

He starts bouncing his leg as the anxiety of talking to the one person who means something to him after years, builds in his chest. 

In a defeated tone he stresses, “I don’t mean I never want to talk to you again. I just want to see us try to be better...on our own.”

It’s silent between them. He looks over and sees Steve’s mind is running a thousand miles a minute. 

Steve tentatively says, “What do you want me to do? What are _you_ going to do?” He sounds almost childlike and exhausted.

Bucky takes in a deep breath, chest rising and slowly letting the air out, “I want to travel the world for a bit. I want to be alone.”

He knows this is hurting Steve because Steve’s always liked feeling useful and he can’t feel useful if Bucky is on the other side of the world. 

“I want you to do something because you want to. I want you to _live_ an actual life.” Again Steve looks right about ready to jump Bucky with a counter argument.

“No Steve, you’re not. The only living you’re doing is through missions. Aren’t you tired of that?” Steve doesn’t say anything. Knows Bucky’s right. 

“How much time have you spent looking for me? When you could have been out here doing something else with your life.” Steve opens his mouth to say something but can’t get a solid excuse out. He slumps his shoulders and brings his hands up to his face. 

“I know those friends of yours told you once or twice to stop looking for me.” He pauses and lets out a dry chuckle, “Those two are probably the only normal thing you have…keep them close.” 

Steve drags his hands down his face and turns to look at him, his eyes are wet, “How am I just supposed to _live my life_ if I know you’re somewhere out there alone.” 

“You just do Steve.” 

Steve makes a frustrated noise and stands up. Starts pacing in front of Bucky. 

Bucky leans back, spreads his legs and tips his head back so the sun hits his face, “You have a picture in your head of me and the person I am right now…he’ll just disappoint you.” 

He hears Steve stop pacing and stand in front of him but he doesn’t open his eyes. 

“Why do you get to make this decision for me? That’s not fair.” He’s angry. 

He opens his eyes and looks up at Steve frustrated, “When has life _ever_ been fair for us Stevie.” 

That shuts Steve up. He sits down with a gruff, his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair. 

“Right now every step I take is a hesitation, my brain is still a mess and it’s a constant feeling of walking on egg shells.” 

Steve lets out a loud sigh, “But why can’t we be better together?” 

“Because we’ll never move on that way. We don’t know who we are without tragedy stringing us like puppets.” 

“It just doesn’t make sense to me.” 

Silence befalls them again. 

Bucky feels the tension in Steve give way and he can breath a bit easier. 

“I still don’t have all my memories from before but the ones I do have…there’s so many of them where we wake up in a shitty little apartment. And it’s freezing, and we’re…we’re huddled together on the bed whispering stupid jokes to each other.” 

Steve looks over at him, but Bucky is lost in the memory, “That’s…that’s how I want to remember us right now. Want you to think of us like that too, until we can make good memories like that again.” 

Sounding even more defeated Steve says in a pleading voice, “How am I supposed to just let you walk away from me again? _I_ don’t want to be _alone_.” 

Bucky looks over at him, “But you won’t. You’ll have your friends, you’ll have those memories and we’ll find each other one day.” 

Whatever was holding Steve back breaks and he throws himself at Bucky, wraps his arms tight around and sobs into his neck. Bucky stays still, holding Steve’s shaking shoulders. 

“Just think of me highly, and I will too. We’ll be together soon…better.” 


End file.
